#Reactions like this are why I don't share anything with you mother. Have you considered that

[rei-ismyname]

Nightcrawler gets to be angry

X-Men Blue: Origins retconned Kurt's biological parents to Destiny and Mystique. It was an additive retcon that I broadly enjoyed but I felt Kurt's reaction was a little muted. Fortunately, they dug up Chris Claremont so he could speak his pain. Kurt, not bloody Claremont.

Raven and Irene aren't the most giving people. In fact, they're pretty selfish and shitty to anyone that isn't each other. Nevertheless, they're here right now to listen and explain. That giant Xavier head isn't just an artistic flourish btw - creepy bastard is watching from his prison cell.

Destiny explains the why of all the cruelty, but that doesn't do much for Kurt. It fucking hurts to be thrown away and rejected only for absent (at best) parents to suddenly want a relationship. I'm really glad this path was taken, as the importance of biological family is given too much weight by Marvel IMO. Kurt is a very forgiving person, but you don't owe anyone anything just because of a biological connection. Not your time, not your love, not forgiveness, and not a relationship. 'True family' is who you choose.

Kurt flat out says that trust is earned. You want a relationship? Put in the work. Destiny might be good at navigating the future, but she's not great with people. She has no response, so Kurt confronts Mystique. Significantly, Kurt has very recently been horribly betrayed and used (again) by the mother that raised him - Margali Szardos. B turned him into a monster and sold him to ORCHIS.

I don't love the 'papa' in inverted commas. I find it hard to see it as rooted in anything but bioessentialism. It's not commented on, though, so I don't know what to do with it.

Raven is such a shithead troll. Shifting into a form very similar to Kurt is an ... interesting choice. Kurt has all the questions you'd expect, but she doesn't really have answers. I think she's being honest, but it still hurts. It's significant that they've been enemies for most of their life, and Kurt has known she was his mother for a good while.

Raven is absolutely deflecting here. That attitude is fine for her, but it's pretty obvious Kurt doesn't share it. I really like Kurt with the beard btw. He looks fantastic.

It's a fucked up way of acknowledging Kurt's pain while speaking her own, but she offers to let him kill her. We're never going to get a novel length story of resolving these feelings, so a fencing framework is as good as any for the medium.

Destiny wigs out because the future is unclear, basically confirming that Kurt seriously considered it. Good for him, though he decides that's too easy. Honestly, that's so Raven - offering death instead of any kind of hard work. She didn't exactly sign up for Destiny's magic baby scheme either, but this is the first time she's put any effort into this relationship.

In the end, it comes down to 'this sucks for everyone.' They talk about it and reach some kind of understanding, but Destiny and Mystique bail secretly for unexplained reasons. Not exactly a convincing display of having learnt 'abandonment hurts.' They'll always be related, but love and trust are not a given. Kurt is left hugging the person he actually has a relationship with - Rogue. They already had an extended family relationship through the X-Men, and they likely always will.

I'd be interested in seeing them explore what a sibling relationship means to them, but maybe another time. There's plenty of future stories that can follow up on this - it's only a matter of time for Destiny's Child(ren.)

[hazbinhazmeinachokehold]

Hey! So I really liked your child + overlords, and I’ve been watching too many horror movies lately, so I was thinking; what if a kid like Samhain (Sam from “Trick r Treat”) was the kid.

He’s not even an overlord but how would they be with him when he clearly likes them, he shares candy with them, follows them around, and likes to cozy up with them. (especially since he’s as old as hallow’s eve itself and still kinda acts like a child, but never had a caretaker or someone to consider family) But when someone tries to hurt them, Sam does something super horrific to their attacker that would even creep Alastor out? But then he goes back to the lovable Sam that they know but what’s their reactions?

A/n: I haven’t watched Trick or Treat, so I based off a few clips I watched. Also by attacked them, I assume you mean the overlord? I’m so sorry if not!!! :( 

!!!not proofread!!!

Alastor: Very intrigued by you. Which, knowing Alastor is the reason he was nice to you in the first place, which spiraled into friendship. You were unnaturally cuddly. Which Alastor would usually hate, but, for some reason, he didn’t mind with you. Also, you kept giving candy? He wasn't entirely sure where you kept getting it because the hotel didn’t have any, but it was a sweet gesture nonetheless. One day both of you were going for an evening stroll. Until some, to put it frankly, idiot, attacked Alastor. Well tried to at least. Most people couldn’t get a scratch on him and this was no exception. What was different this time was that it was him who drew screams out of the sinner.  Instead, you, sweet, kind, you, were the one responsible.  You ended up disturbing Alastor, which is hard to do, so good job!  But after you were done you reverted back into your innocent self. Has a new reason for why he likes you after that day.

Rosie: I mentioned this in my overlord post but, mother figure. She will give you candy as well! (Just don't eat it if you're not a cannibal) She’ll make sure she always has time for you. And even when she is spending time with others she is not opposed to you tagging along. You and she had just bought some candy and were on your way back to cannibal town. You and Rosie were having a lovely conversation before someone tackled Rosie to the ground. She was able to push them off rather fast before you jumped in. Rosie was kinda shell-shocked. But despite how eldritch horror-esque the scene was, she was used to this because of Alastor. She was more surprised that it was you of all sinners. After you were done you turned back into your nice self. Tbh she doesn’t really care, she treats you the same. 

Vox: I’m going to be honest with you bestie he doesn’t like you at first. He didn’t hate you or anything, just didn’t particularly care for you. That being said, you do grow on him. He doesn’t eat the candy you give him (weirdly enough he can though. We see him eat popcorn in the final.) I don’t know bro just isn’t going to eat candy some random kid gave him from who knows where. Also, you're always in the ads. it wasn’t on purpose at first but soon he would just casually hold you in the ads, he never mentions it though. One day he’s going to film an ad and you are tagging along as you always do. When somebody tries to attack Vox with a bat, but they were stopped in their tracks by you. Vox just stared at horror and amazement as you made the sinner pay. After the horror wears off the dude is amazed. If you weren’t friends before you are now. Despite the fact that you’re, y’know, a child, he kind of uses you for scary dog privileges.

Velvette: Surprisingly accepting of you. Would probably post pics with your candy and cuddling with you. She does just straight up like you even without social media. Velvette is the youngest overlord which makes her a pretty easy target. So while it wasn't a surprise for her to get attacked how you responded was. Out of instinct, she starts recording not just to post it, I mean yes that too, but also to make sure what she was seeing was real. Which was especially needed after you went back to your cutesy self. Despite how unbelievable it was she was pretty indifferent at the end of the day. Will ask you if you can do that more for photos though.

Carmila: New mother part 2. Though admittedly she isn't one for cuddles or candy. She does take it and cuddle to make you happy. Very protective of you. You are kind and she doesn't want you to get hurt, thankfully she doesn't have to worry about you. Someone attacking the overlord who makes weapons isn't wise, but as you’ve probably learned by now, messing with someone you care about is even more stupid. She wants to stop you but also doesn't want to hurt you or get herself in the crossfire. But hey now she knows you can protect yourself. Maybe even against an exorcist without angelic metal because holy fuck. Anyway, now she trains with you.

  (A/n: Bro Tumblr fucking deleted this when I was ¾ done with it.)

[mikuni14]

Our Youth - Ep 6

I really liked how they were together, their first night - the whole vibe, the morning after, the conversation by the sea, the return home together, them going separate ways, Hirukawa's attempt to improve his life and Minase's pride in him. It was all theirs, and somehow so… ordinary? So good.

Yesterday I wrote that Hirukawa needs help and a way to get out ASAP, before he falls apart, or does something really destructive, or really stupid. Tbh, I didn't expect him to do all of the above. I also wrote that he is still a kid, and as if he keeps the self-fulfillment of two families on his shoulders - it turns out that in addition to being responsible for two families, he also feels responsible for his schoolmates. It's very painful - and so real - that none of the above responds to him in the same way. His mother doesn't take care of him, his father beats him, his schoolmate is silent and lets him take all the blame. Neither parents nor a friend would meet the definition of what it means to be a parent and a friend, what it means to be a close person. But that's ok, Hirukawa fulfills his filial and friendly duties for all of them. And then some 🙄

However, the only person who knows him, who believes in him, who knows all of his (not just selected) secrets, who offers him concrete help and words of support - Hirukawa ultimately doesn't choose this person and doesn'tt feel such an obligation towards him as towards others whom he doesn't even love. Because let's be honest, what Minase heard was that for Hirukawa their life together, going to school, finishing it, continuing to work on himself, on their relationship, is less important than his duty to his friend, who literally blamed him for his own decisions as his father does all the time. Minase watches Hirukawa and sees how he is treated by his father, by his mother, which certainly hurts him, which was visible from how upset he was seeing Hirukawa and his mother consciously and unconsciously playing a happy family, and how he almost spilled the beans, because it must have frustrated him so much. The fact that Hirukawa so seemingly easily crossed out his - and their shared - future for some idiot must have been devastating for Minase.

I watched with sadness Hirukawa's impulse to be "worthy" of Minase, to change, to become "better", being ruined by his self-destructive tendencies, low self-esteem and savior complex. Minase had been so happy just a moment ago, after their trip together, after their first time, after their conversation in the sea, watching Hirukawa's involvement in school. Seeing the "easiness" with which he crossed it all out for something completely irrelevant from Minase's point of view, rejecting Minase in the process, must have been a difficult experience for him. Because although in Hirukawa's belief he is "saving" Minase from himself, in reality he hurts Minase who thinks he is not worth fighting for. Something like this creates fear in Minase, that there will always be someone for whom Hirukawa will consider worthy of destroying his (and by extension Minase's) life. Minase's reaction, how first shocked, then defeated and hurt he is, rather than angry, shows that he might have such feelings, even subconsciously.

This also perfectly shows how "noble sacrifice", combined with low self-esteem, is destructive for everyone. Like thinking that since you are a "trash" anyway, why bother trying, that you don't deserve anything good in life, someone good in life, so it's better to let it go, instead of fighting for it. And it doesn't help anyone at all, it doesn't save anyone, and it actually causes pain and destruction. Because although in Hirukawa's opinion he is "saving" Minase from himself, in reality he hurts Minase who thinks he is not worth fighting for.

The worst thing is that Hirukawa is too young to understand himself and has no one around him to tell him that he is not responsible for the actions of other people, especially adults. And that adult problems are their problems that they themselves should solve. And I really can't even be mad at all of this, because I've literally seen situations like this in real life, I've seen people ruin their lives out of some sick sense of responsibility for people who are completely unworthy of it, who never paid back in the same way - or any good way, instead making things worse. I've seen people ruin their lives for people who are unworthy of it, who could live a good life with someone valuable, good for them. This is actually a very real life situation, which doesn't change the fact that it's still very frustrating, incomprehensible and painful. It's also a very realistically shown long-term effect of domestic violence and child abandonment. Contrary to what Hirukawa (and Minase) think, that somehow he can cope, that it is "fine", that he just have to endure it, that it is all under control... while it affects every aspect of his life.

[meanbossart]

I've been loving the DU Drow as a companio asks, so I've got my own. I was wondering what kind of interactions he would have with the other companions.

More specifically, we know Astarion flirts with almost anyone (for his own reasons) and even sleeps with Bae'zel at the tiefling party if you turn him down as a player. So, since the Drow is in the group now, what would his interaction with Astarion be? Would Astarion assume him to be the strongest and best chance of survival if manipulated? Would Astarion try to sleep with the Drow the same way he would with Lae'zel?

(Regarding the companions in general) Oh I can easily see him and Shadowheart having some cute party banter, they'd poke light fun at each other and have a similarly "darkly dramatic" reaction to things. He'd easily be the most talkative with her, often initiating mundane conversations about stuff you find. I can see some dialogue between them triggering upon finding one of the many drink-stashes you come across where they discuss what they like best when it comes to wine - or what they think they like, at least, considering the state of their memories.

Gale would be eager to inquire him about drow and the underdark, and where he got his fighting prowess from, which would visibly annoy DU drow since he can't fucking remember anything LOL he'd comment about how he always thought male drow were supposed to be a little�� Flimsier, prompting a response along the lines of "I suppose my mother must have fed me well. I do have quite the appetite for loud-mouths."

Gale's like :U my goodness. Point taken.

He might talk to Karlach about Avernus, being fond of the savage nature of it. He'd also ask her if "something's bothering her" and when she asks why he's asking, he comments on how she can never seem to be still for long LOL

If Jaheira joins the party later she takes an interest in him (I WONDER WHY) and they could also share a little friendly banter. DU drow ends up asking her things about Baldur's Gate and herself to fill the gaps in his memory, as well as her children. He expresses how, if he thought himself more fit for a father, he'd have some of his own. Jaheira tells him it's probably better this way.

The banter with Astarion would be pretty par for the course - a mix between being flirtatious in nature and a little passive-aggressive all at once. At some point he says he can't keep quiet about how he stinks of carrion - DU calmly tells him that it can't be helped, due to their circunstances, and that he has a pretty cadaveric perfume himself. Astarion gets offended and tells him he knows for a fact that he smells lovely - DU drow tells him those statements need not be mutually exclusive.

He'd also ask Wyll about Mizora and what it's like to be in her servitute, claiming that he "wouldn't mind doing her a few favors himself" and Wyll tries his darn best to brush that off.

Lae'zel picks on him about his, erm, unreliable state of mind and accuses DU drow of basically being a ticking-time-bomb. DU responds that he feels less like a bomb and more like a vent releasing a steady flow of noxious fumes - if that helps her sleep better at night.

He also snorts at Minthara's "jokes".

(Onto the second part of this already far-too-long reply:)

And I THINK SO, I think Astarion would take him for being more easily manipulated than Lae'zel and try his luck there instead.

Small detour: you know, I always thought it'd be neat if some of the companions formed relationships with each other if you didn't pursue them. We see friendships form but romances would be fun too - like Karlach and Shadowheart could get together if you didn't pair with either of them, and Ascended Astarion and Minthara if you happened to have that party configuration in act 3. I don't really see many of the others having that kind of chemistry, but I wouldn't want the whole camp to be in love with each other anyway lol just 1 or 2 other couples would make the party feel more autonomous.

So, in a world where that's a part of the game, I obviously would say they get together if you don't romance either (from a mechanic standpoint player still gets first dibs LOL) and that unlocks unique party banter and dialogue where you can ask them about it once per act and reveal the "status" of the relationship. In act 2 you get to comment about how they seem to "steal away" together often. Astarion implies they're obviously having sex, and that he's always wanted to "try a little drow - but a big one is even better". If you ask DU drow about it he keeps details and motivations to himself, but acknowledges that they have something going on. You can then tell him that you believe he's being used, and DU drow very nonchalantly says that "he's well aware", but that he isn't worried about it.

In Act 3, when you ask again, Astarion somewhat bashfully reveals that the drow grew on him, and if you press on about the topic he reveals that they haven't even had sex since act 1, they just do a lot of talking, as he sheepishly puts it. If you ask DU drow about it he's much more upfront in saying that they've become an item, and that he's very happy in Astarion's company.

[melonhorns]

My personal analysis of Towa so far (through my first game play, Taku's route) (I had a problem with his voice so something I say is wrong!)

Okay so today I was continuing my playthrough of Taku's route in Slow Damage and got the first sex scene with him. It led me to a lot of frustration then a big train of thoughts about how I felt about Towa and why. I wrote m thoughts in chats with a few different people so I want to organise it here!

Ever since I started the game (not so long ago) I've been thinking about how bland Towa felt. He doesn't care much about anything or anyone, he rarely voices his opinion and the only things that seem to keep him here are alcohol, cigarettes and sex. To add to this he isn't even voiced!

(As you may know I got introduced to Nitro+Chiral games through DMMD and am really attached to Aoba, he's relatable and has a really nice voice! (*Badum tss*))

I'm sure that Towa not being voiced is a conscious choice because if they had wanted to voice him they would have, with how good the game looks I'm sure it wasn't a money problem. My hopes is that he will get a few dubbed lines at extremly important moments later in the game, it would just hit so hard.

Now let's go back to the source of my thinking. What frustrated me with Taku's first sex scene is that the writers chose to use the aphrodisiac trope. I thought that Taku had some kind of romantic interest in Towa and/or a deep attachment to him whereas Towa seemed to somewhat trust him. That's why I was expecting something that would be emotionally deeper than Taku simply "helping Towa because he was in pain". He also seemed really uncomfortable through the whole thing and even if Towa wasn't in his right mind it felt so wrong and forced... All of this added to really cringe lines like «This hole was used to taking cock every single day [...]» and «~Being the slut I am [...]» this scene simply felt uncomfortable. Towa really does objectify himself doesn't he?

Not that surprising considering the overall tone of the game right?

Towa doesn't show an ounce of self-respect. He will take anything that at is thrown at him and shrug. (Which leads me to think that he definitly has went through some kind of SA in the past.) We see him accept the drug. We see him litteraly offer himself to his muses.

Now going back to Towa's blandness. We never know what Towa truly thinks. The only times when we are asked to make choices it is us, Towa, trying to adapt to our interlocutor and saying the thing that will get the best reaction out of them that will later be used as inspiration for his art. Towa will litteraly shape himself to fit the person he's interested in.

His only reason for all of this is to create more art. He is only a medium among others used to create it.

Then my question is what led him to start creating art? What is he hoping to get out of it? He doesn't care about fame, all he wants is to see people share their deepest, darkest secrets with him. Why is that?

By playing the game, we are just like him trying to find a muse's secrets, except that we are the artist and he is the muse. At least for me, because for now my main motivation isn't to know how freaky the Li's are, I really just want to learn WHO Towa is and WHY he is like that. So far all I've seen is glimpses of his nightmares, lots to do with his mother if I don't get mistaken... And even if it frustrates me that it is all I got to see after being three quarters through my first route, it got me yearning for more.

My opinion will surely change later! I probably got things wrong here. You can comment your thoughts, just make sure not to spoil me the other routes for now ^^

[marvelstars]

Does it bothers you when people are like "Leia is so Anakin coded" or "Leia is so alike both Ani and Padme" while completely reducing Luke to "Padme in a boy's body". I have seen a few edits of the twins on tik tok lately and always when the video is about the parallels between Anakin and Luke the comments go "No. That is wrong. Luke is like Padme and Leia is like Anakin", or "you get the twins right, anakin-Leia, luke-padme".

And I have tbh, that pisses me off a bit, mostly on Luke's behalf since he is my fave, cause while I totally agree Luke has a lot of similarities with Padme, he also is alike Anakin in so many ways. And it upsets me a little people just trying to erase everything they have in common just to support this narrative. (Main reason why I don't like the reverse AU, or Senator Luke fics. The ones I have read just straigh up pushed this narrative, putting his love to fly, his passion, and many things that makes Luke be Luke to the side only to make him be a version of Padme)

It is also upsetting for Leia, since she is far away from being 100% like Anakin. They are both passionate and determined people, yes, but this doesn't make her be "Ani 2.0". And this narrative also completely dismiss the existence of Bail and Breha on her upbringing.

Both twins share a lot of similarities with both of their parents in different and intricated ways, with a lot of their own personality on the mix, what makes them unique. It baffles me see them being reduced to charicatures of their parents.

I agree with you, I understand fandom wants to have fun with memes but sometimes they go too far, Leia and Luke ultimately are their own persons and tbh those takes also do a big disservice to Anakin and Padme characters´reducing their arc and personality terribly and ignoring Owen, Beru, Bail and Breha influence on the twins emotional development.

But I will focus on Luke and his relationship to Anakin here.

Luke is a strong force sensitive with a good aptitude towards mechanical work, he is passionate, short tempered, idealist, has big dreams for the future, excellent pilot and soldier who cares more than anything for friends and family and causes he considers just, he is also kind and compassionate even if this doesn´t come easily to him, just like Anakin was at his age.

That said, he is also down to earth, pragmatic and has a no non-sense actitude when it comes to other people, see his reaction to Han trying to scam them on their travel to Alderaan, he doesn´t suffer people trying to make him feel inferior because he knows his own personal value, those are characteristics he got for being raised by his uncle and aunt, sure they lived on a desert planet full of Hutts, slavers, criminals and bounty hunters but they lived an honest way of life and didn´t believe they owned either group an ounce of their honest work, they only ever owned it to their family.

Anakin´s experiences shaped him differently on this matter, given his life as slave his mother teached him the art of bend,dont break by keeping his identity intact, this made him more susceptible to be ordered around by the Chancellor, the Jedi Council, the Republic sometimes even Padme even if this meant sacrificing his original hopes of freeing his mother, the slaves of tatooine and having a family.

Anakin developed low self esteem issues when he got separated from his mother because he no longer had her unconditional support and knew the reason why he was trained by the Jedi was contingent to his habilities and what he could do for the Order, not because he as a person, was important or would have been chosen for himself as a Jedi if he wasn´t so strong in the force but he learned to keep his real self buried and protected from outside forces while using the systems controlling him to his advantage. Palpatine managed to break him but even Vader was able to keep part of his real self alive despite the Emperor´s many efforts to turn him completely to the darkside ,which Luke noticed thanks to his bond to his father.

Those characteristics Luke got from his Uncle and Aunt served Luke well when he confronted the Emperor, Obi-Wan and Yoda, he already was interested in being a Jedi because of his father but this didn´t mean he was going to blindly follow whatever order Yoda and Obi-Wan gave him as much as he personaly appreciated and loved them as people and masters in the force and he certainly wasn´t going to act as if the Emperor wasn´t trying to destroy his familiar bond to his father when he didn´t even know the guy, took his father from him before he was born and was the rebellion´s main adversary, all Palpatine was for Luke was an objetive to kill on sight and Palpatine knew this, that´s why he temped him to the darkside by giving him the oportunity to kill him. Luke is also of the mind that if he doesn´t agree with something and that something is the source of great pain for others he is 100% justified in destroying it, see Jabba´s palace, the death star, the Empire. Anakin´s style is more "I know the system doesn´t work, it sucks but I will be damned if I don´t try to fix it or work around it" because he often feel as if he had no other choice.

Many fans take for granted the fact Luke forgave his father as his main personality trait when the opposite is the truth, Luke wasn´t a stranger to violence because he lived on a planet in which if you didn´t learn to take care of yourself you could die and as part of the rebellion he wasn´t a stranger to killing imperials and losing loved ones to the cause, the interesting thing about Luke´s CHOICE of saving his father isn´t that it was part of his nature all along, it´s the fact that´s pretty much agaisn´t his natural temperament, saving Vader went agaisn´t his natural care for family, Vader may be his father but he hurt his friends and Leia, saving Vader was the least pragmatic choice acording to his identity as a rebel and Jedi, saving Vader went agaisn´t his own feelings of abandoment and yearning for a father feeling betrayed by Anakin´s turn to the darkside.

Still Luke made this choice because he felt how utterly isolated and broken Vader was and he cared enough for the image of the father he never knew, a father he knew could still be there, to show him some uncomplicated, familiar love once again, the kind his aunt and uncle showed him, if only for Luke´s own peace of mind that he truly tried everything to make his father feel better, while his pragmatic side took care of things by letting Leia know about his mission and telling her they had to attack the DSII anyway even if he was there because the cause of freeing the galaxy from the Empire was still more important than his personal feelings and issues with his father.

The narrative gives Luke the victory, saving his father from the darkside which lead to the destruction of the Emperor and the Empire, for being loving and compassionate despite this not coming natural to him but as part of his personal grow and maybe, as the legacy of the two women who shaped his family without him meeting them, Shmi and Padme and the person his father used to be.

Luke and the Skywalker family in general are waaay more than some fans give them credit.

Thanks for the question anon

[bao3bei4]

I really for a long time wanted to ask how you got your feet wet in critical theory! Would you say you just kept searching, devouring anything on the internet, or maybe it was through reading other zines, or maybe it was from academic work that you got introduced to it? TLDR: Looking for enlightenment and don't know how to start! -C

hi c! :) i’m excited to hear you’re interested in theory! i’ll tell you a little about how i got into reading more of it, and then i’ll see if i have any tips. 

the TRUTH is embarrassing. i got into philosophy in high school because i did competitive debate and it was really popular at the time to argue shit like “there’s no point in debating at all as long as we’re engaging in capitalist frameworks. so whoever best deconstructs it in this round wins” and hope that your opponent wasn’t ready for the marx bomb. so i read marx, nietzsche, baudrillard, and so on. this probably scared the hell out of exactly one person who grew up in that same milieu, so whoever you are, sorry. 

i read more philosophy in college for classes, but about partway through i came to realize i did not care about the nature of truth or the meaning of goodness or life and other philosophical questions. i just liked making spurious arguments and calling things gay. by this point of course it was too “late” (it’s never too late) to do anything like change my course of study and so instead i just terrorized people by getting really into freud for fun and bringing him up at every possible opportunity. incidentally, why freud? well i read gender trouble and mx dr butler made him sound so seductive and exciting. like [guy who’s extremely depressed and dysphoric voice] what if you get a gender because of melancholic identification. and it has something to do with your mother. 

but doing a lot of self directed reading didn’t really come until i had started writing for fun and was continuously bumping up against the limits of my knowledge. for instance, i had written a version of my kpop fanfiction essay early on, but without having read david eng, i was reinventing the wheel. so when i encountered him it was transformative. the thing about theory is that yes i find it beautiful like literature but also. it’s also really a means to an end. a tool for making sense of the world, telling stories, making meaning, whatever you want to call it. 

SO. my personal history aside (i’m just sharing it because i find it funny) my number one suggestion is just to write. it doesn’t have to be original at all. you can just summarize things you find interesting. but once you start researching for fun—which can involve reading academic books, zines, blogs from former philosophy students, whatever—it becomes easier and more interesting to read. at this point, several years into my bullshit, i do also reference stuff i’ve already read. but actually, maybe half the time i cite something i got into it specifically to write that essay. imagine it like a cat bringing you a dead rat as a gift. except the rat is something new i’ve learned. 

this may seem unhelpful, considering that the one time someone asked me how to get into writing, i suggested reading. like. omfg bitch chicken or egg. PICK ONE!!!!! but reading and writing are like a conversation to me. you can and should listen to the existing conversation, but if you wanna have fun, you also can and should start talking!! the most important tip from THAT post imo is the suggestion to liveblog theory like it’s something with a fandom. screenshot your favorite lines. add reactions. make memes. i have terminal poster’s brain and that’s what helps me personally digest difficult things. 

anyway. all this to say. 1) there’s no wrong way (or right way) to get into reading theory. you can do it for nerd slapfights you can do it for blorboposting you can do it for personal betterment you can even do it for a grade. the important part is just that you start. 2) once you start, if you have a purpose [like writing. or posting, which is also writing if you think about it] it’s easier to stay motivated and helps give you ideas for what to read next.

[avocado-writing]

i absolutely ADORE the little universe you've made for the light the dark and the spaces in between and i don't really have any specific requests, all i'm requesting is whatever work in that universe that you've already come up with or if you do get an idea for something for my favourite throuple this is an excuse to post it hihi

Notes: first of all, fav throuple? 🥹 I’m asking for your hand in marriage. Second of all I got an ask about reader being nonbinary in this series but this fic explicitly discusses them being AFAB (but GNC, could be read as trans or not). set in TLTDATSIB verse, ish, the time period is a bit wonky (14thC ish) — consider this an au where reader follows aziraphale to France after their initial meeting, finds Crowley there too and everyone is pointing at each other like that Spider-Man meme going !! Immortal!!!

words: 2k

rating: T (sex references, mild peril)

pairing: crowley x reader x aziraphale

tags: TLTDATSIB, polyamory, Fem/Masc!Crowley, Fem/Masc!Aziraphale, GNC!Reader, historical, jousting

“Are you sure? It’s terribly dangerous.”

“Aziraphale,” you sigh, “I don’t do it because it’s safe.”

“Well why do it at all?” she whines, grabbing onto your hand beseechingly. Crowley looks up from where she’s been admiring her reflection in your armour. You turn to her for support, instead she shrugs. 

“I don’t know. For glory? For honour? To prove that I can?”

Aziraphale glares at Crowley to join in but is met with the same reaction. It seems that Crowley is determined to stay neutral in this scenario. How annoying. Just like a demon to find the most awkward solution for both parties.

You tie the linens around your chest a little tighter. Under your full plate it should be difficult to tell the shape of your body but you don’t want to take any chances. Aziraphale pouts and you sigh, turning back to her to take her hand in earnest.

“My darling, I’m not like either of you. When they look at me, they will only ever see one thing. I can’t change my body around and be whoever I want to be. I have to take these measures to be viewed as anything other than what I was when I came squawling from my mother.”

You cup her cheek and she nuzzles into your touch. 

“Besides,” you add, wickedly, “am I not good at wielding a lance?”

You grin, thinking back to the three of you laying together last night. Aziraphale harrumphs and Crowley laughs at her.

“They’ll be fine, angel,” she finally pipes up. Aziraphale doesn’t seem certain but finally relents, letting Crowley adjust her surcoat and take her hand.

“Good luck,” Crowley says, but the smile on her face suggests she doesn’t think you’ll need it. You give her a wink.

“With my two ladies cheering from the crowd, how could I lose?”

You give them both a kiss goodbye before Crowley finally wrestles the angel away, likely to get her a drink and a pep-talk before the tourney starts. As they leave, your squire begins to enter, his face turning beet red as Crowley ruffles his hair.

“Hello, Oliver. Make sure our good knight doesn’t fall from his horse, will you?” she says as she goes. Oliver tries to form a sentence, fails, and winces as Crowley sways away. 

A tiny slip of a lad, you took on Oliver not only for his immense courage despite his small stature, but because you both shared a secret - one which you uncovered when accidentally walking in on him changing. You’d recognise a bound chest anywhere. You thought no less of him for it, and told him he needed not beg for your silence: you’d keep it gladly.

“Sire, I’m here to help you finish dressing,” he states, when he finally manages to get a handle over his own tongue. 

“Well timed, Oliver. Help me with this breastplate.”

He heaves and helps with the leather straps, buckling you in place. You’re swelteringly hot. Ah well, time for that to get even worse when you ride out into the sun. You take a moment to check yourself over, only noticing Oliver’s quietness when he fails to point out one of your pauldrons is loose. You furrow your brow and turn to him.

“What’s on your mind, lad?”

“Might… Might I ask a question, sire?”

“Me saying no has never stopped you before,” you jest, but when you see him scuff his foot against the floor, you drop down to be able to look him in the eye. “What’s the matter, Oliver?”

“Your ladies… you’ll fight for them both, yes? For their honour as one?”

“Yes, I will.” You don’t go into great detail about your relationship but you trust Oliver with the truth. He sees Aziraphale and Crowley clucking around you like hens before a joust all the time anyway, and the boy isn’t a fool. He can do the arithmetic of it.  

“And they’re happy with that arrangement?”

You laugh a little, but put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Those two love each other as much as they love me. My life would not be a happy one without them both in it, and they feel the same.”

Sacrilege, but really, little in this room would be considered holy by the church. And besides, you have an angel as one of the willing participants of your relationship. You think it’s probably fine.

Oliver nods. He seems to understand, but still appears like something else is weighing on his mind. You really do smother your smile this time.

“Oliver,” you tell him, gently, “I also think that you might be a bit young for Lady Crowley.”

He blushes.

🗡️

You can barely see with your helmet on, so you keep it under your arm for the time being. You cut the figure of a man well enough anyway so for the moment there’s no need to worry about your face being on show. In fact, you’ve gained a reputation for being quite handsome.

Handsome but very spoken for. Apparently there was a lady discussing giving you her favour to joust, and Crowley spilt wine all over her skirts. Then again, she did the same when a knight rode up to ask to fight for Aziraphale’s honour, and suddenly found that his helmet crest had inexplicably burst into flames. 

Crowley knows how to mark her territory.

You run a hand over your horse’s nose, humming a soothing little note as she nickers and whinnies.

“I know it’s hot, girl. Let’s give them a show and then we’ll both get out of this damned armour.”

You saddle up, letting Oliver pass you your helmet and your shield. You ride as a freelancer so neither of them are burdened with some noble’s crest; instead you ride under your own: a pair of wings, one white, one black. A little nod to the two who matter the most to you.

You ride onto the field as horns herald the start of the joust. You know a few of the knights competing, and are well aware of your first opponent - Kenelm the agile, a man you’ve faced several times over and are at equals wins against. He nods at you from his steed, hailing the crowd as he’s announced. You look across the seating, and see Aziraphale and Crowley in the front row. Where they always are, whenever you compete. With an ineffable inevitability.

“And, riding under his own banner, Sir Kerkylas of Andros!”

Even with her glasses on you know Crowley is rolling her eyes at your chosen pseudonym. You ride up to the pair of them, grinning.

“Be careful,” Aziraphale begs for the umpteenth time. She passes you her favour: a little ring, golden, set with a pair of wings on it. 

“I will be,” you say, kissing her hand, then quieter: “You do remember that I can’t die?”

“Yes, but we don’t know if dismembering will do you any good!”

Crowley reaches over to present you her token, a pin embellished with a silver snake. You stow both in your saddlebag. 

“I’ll buy you a drink if you take the helmet clean off his head,” she whispers. 

“You’re on,” you agree. Crowley reaches out to caress your face, then stops and retreats abruptly.

“Better not lay that on too heavily. I think I might kill your squire.”

A glance over your shoulder reveals that Oliver looks like he might combust. Taking mercy on the poor boy, you nod your goodbyes to the two of them and ride up to greet Kenelm.

“Ken! Didn’t think I’d see you back in the saddle so soon after that humiliating defeat in Dover.”

Kenelm rolls his eyes but holds his tongue.

“Ah, Kerk. Sorry, didn’t see it was you. I was blinded by the pomp of your armour. I forget that you need to compensate for something.”

Ha, if only he knew. 

Despite the ribbing the two of you exchange a smile.

“Good luck, Ken. And remember, aim the lance at me. Poor Cynisca was dreadfully irritable after last time, when it seemed you were trying to skewer her flank.”

He grimaces at being reminded of the faux pas before putting his helmet on and readying himself. You trot to your side of the tilt where Oliver is heaving up your lance. 

“You’ll win,” he says confidently, “Kenelm always rides worse the earlier it is in the day. If you can get a solid enough hit in, it’s over, one round.”

“I hope that your faith in me isn’t misplaced, Oliver.”

You helmet up, resigning yourself to see what little of the world you can through the frog-lip, and clutch your lance. It’s heavy but you’re used to it by now. 

An expectant silence settles over the crowd. Aziraphale buries her face in Crowley’s shoulder.

“Oh, I can’t look–!”

The flag is waved, and you charge.

🗡️

You reflect on how Crowley never bought you that drink. She insisted that knocking a man clean off his horse didn’t count as taking his helmet off. A technicality, flimsy at best - but Aziraphale was too relieved at your victory to argue either side. You went on to place second at that particular tourney, the fire of it inciting you to ride to victory in your next. 

You stopped for a while after that. It was doing Aziraphale in a little, and you loved him too much to keep his nerves that frayed.

But, nowadays, reenactments are becoming somewhat of a fad. Usually you find them a little gauche, and it’s more than a bit uncomfortable to relive some aspects of your past, but you never truly lost your love for jousting. So you allow yourself a little vice in it. Your heart aches whenever you’re reminded of Oliver, but you kept tabs on his family, and his descendants are doing quite well. One of them lives in London and works for a charity helping LGBT youth. It seems fitting. 

Plus, Aziraphale is a lot calmer about you jousting this way. 

“Are you alright?” you ask the man you just took off his horse. He looks a little winded and gladly takes your help getting up.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Think it’s just my pride that’s bruised. You’re really good at this!”

You beam.

“I’ve had practice.”

You exchange socials so that he can follow up with any questions he might have, then turn to take your horse back to the tent the organisers have set up for you. Aziraphale and Crowley are waiting. Your angel has an ice-cream for you, which he passes over before tucking into his own.

“Who was he?” Crowley sniffs, peering over your shoulder. You roll your eyes.

“Just some kid interested in the sport. Stop being jealous.”

“I’m not jealous,” he says, jealously.

“You did marvellously, my love,” Aziraphale interjects. You smile at him.

“Thank you, darling. I can be a fiend with a lance when I want to be. Even if I am a little out of practice.”

“Hmm, not out of practice as of last night,” Crowley says and Aziraphale chokes on his soft-serve. It’s good to know that even after seven hundred years, your sense of humour hasn’t changed a jot.

“Oh, and,” you say, reaching into your bag, “your favours. Returned to you after they brought me luck.”

Aziraphale slips his ring back on, Crowley affixes the pin to his jacket. Your hands linger on each other’s, as they usually do.

“Let’s go get a drink.”

“You didn’t remove his helmet, so I’m not buying.”

“Oh, you utter bastard.”

-

taglist: @angiestopit@dazed-soul@smile-eywa@staygoldsquatchling02@underratedboogeyman@specter-soltare@candlewitch-cryptic@cool-ontherun-world@emilynissangtr@willbedecided@cool-iguana@bdffkierenwalker @ilyatan @civil-groupie@foolishprincipalitee

[piracytheorist]

Is there a scene in the Spy x Family anime that you wish was in the manga, or vice versa?

Hmmm... honestly, I'm quite satisfied with what I've been seeing so far, considering I'm one of the very few that go anime-to-manga instead of the opposite. It's always a surprise when I read the respective manga chapter of the episode I just watched, and to see that something was added in the anime.

Of course, my top favourite addition is the over-the-top Loidman adventure in episode 5. However, I don't believe it misses from the manga; it's just as ridiculous (affectionate) as it is, the anime simply took advantage of its animation perks to bring it to a different level. Similar is the scene of Yor bringing Anya's gym clothes to her, I even remember watching it and going like "I wonder how that goes in the manga" and being surprised that it was an original part! Again, in this part, there was a lot of focus on the over-the-top action and movement, something that the anime can use much more easily.

So I don't think I have an anime-only scene that I miss from the manga. As for vice versa, I wouldn't say it's the lack of a scene, more like how they make some expressions less... passionate.

In the manga, Loid here looks nearly desperate, surprised, out of his depth. In the anime, his expression is more neutral, more reserved, like he feels more confused than anything else. And the point of that moment is for him to actually feel out of his depth, until Yor offers a helping hand.

I'd dare say this is one of the worst offenders, if not the worst offender. I understand why the anime team avoided showing Twilight too worried for Nightfall, as they probably feared it would make audiences think that Oh No Twilight Doesn't Love Yor Because He Showed One (1) Iota of Care for Another Woman!! Is Nightfall Gonna Break Them Apart???!... which, let's be honest, is a totally valid fear to have. Endo makes it crystal clear that Nightfall has no hope as a romantic rival, but audiences can be really thick and stupid, especially when it comes to (even potential) love triangles.

Still, that "neutering" of his expression takes away from his characterization. Twilight is a deeply empathetic person, and seeing Nightfall so upset makes him truly worried. He is Nightfall's mentor and whether he has control over it or not, he cares for her feelings. And this can happen platonically, for the love of fuck, romance isn't the only nor the holiest of connections a person can have with someone else. So for the sake of "protecting" the audience's secure feelings for twiyor, they ended up making Twilight look like an ignoramus.

Again, I get it. But I can love twiyor and have my Twilight be empathetic towards people that aren't his wife or daughter, you know?

Another, subtler but still striking change. Look at that worried eyebrow in the manga, we only see half his face yet we clearly see how touched he is by (what he thinks are) Bond's motives. In the anime, this is really dulled down. It's only the barely visible blush that makes him look a little touched.

Overall, I believe the anime does a great job translating Endo's expressions, from the emotional ones to the subtle ones to the ridiculous ones. But if I were to be asked, I'd change those examples (there might be a few others, but these were the first that came to mind) and make them closer to the manga.

There are, however, a few changes in the pacing that hit the spot perfectly right. One example I'm thinking of is from Chapter 35/Episode 24:

In the manga, it's straightforward. Loid sees Yor's reaction to what happened, he's thinks of his mother, and he shares the memory with Yor.

This gif was sped up to fit in the gifset I made, but notice how there's pauses for Twilight to go from one expression to the other. There's even one moment of him looking to his bottom right, and there's a very interesting correlation to lateral eye movement here.

Per this graph, he's remembering a feeling/sensation. The feeling of calmness he felt in his mother's presence.

The anime takes time to show him go from realizing that Yor feels bad, to feeling guilty himself and wanting to placate her worries, to remembering his own feelings about his mother, to wondering if he should share that memory, to deciding to share it.

So I feel the anime team knows very well what they're doing, and they respect the original material enough to make additions that bring the story and characters to a whole new, precious level. But, I don't doubt that they're terribly overworked and underpayed, so sometimes things can slip through. I don't blame them, in any case.

Not directed at the asker, but if you feel like shitting on the anime, this is not an invitation to do so on my post. Make your own and leave me out of it.

(Anime only (or anime first?) fan here, don't spoil me for the manga)

[captainmagpie-risha]

I'm in an ask-type mood! Who would you say Kallian is the closest of friends with (besides the love interests), from the companions of dao and datv?

(And does she need more friends? Because I'm free every thursday night)

Aahhh hi 🥰 With pleasure !!

Listen. She NEVER has too much friends. So yeah whenever you want 😎 (She didn't even understand she had friends for years and when she started to understand how much people loved her, she nearly hid from embarrassment. They are patient with her but dear, she's slow. "I would do anything for them" yes, your friends would do the fucking same, girl)

I was thinking a lot about this a few weeks ago. The relationships are very different with the companions from DA:O, DA:A and DA:V, as she was in such different situations and moods. This is challenging, especially because of the timeline (~20 years) + her tendency to have no bonds or close bonds with people. She has black and white thinking in terms of relations, so that makes choosing only one person really hard ! Behold : a wall of text

TLDR : Zevran for DA:O, Nate for DA:A and Harding for DA:V 👉👈

For DA:O, the companions looks like her dysfunctional family. This is explained well by the fact that she was 17 (almost 18) during the events of Ostagar... During the Blight, she earned their respect but she was so young and this impacted more her relation with them that she would have liked. I feel like a teenager would bond a lot with their apocalypse companions over almost a year, in a way that is intimate, intense but also not necessarily healthy (that's also why it didn't work out with Alistair in the end).

She was very close to Wynne, as she craved a mother figure ; but the woman had expectations and pushed her too much (about her responsibilities as a warden, the romance thing, and even on a personal level), so she doesn't count. But learning her death was....... difficult to handle.

I think her closest friend during the Blight was Leliana ; they shared, talked and cuddled a lot by the fire, sang together. Leliana wrote her a song, an hymn, for when Alistair and her (that was the plan before he became King) would restore the Grey Warden Order in Ferelden. As they spent time far from each other after DA:O, they grew apart, but their bond is solid.

Morrigan was trying to push her away a lot, but they understand each other a lot. When Kallian wanted to avenge the elves from her alienage (sold as slaves), she never tried to stop her. She has no fear of her wrath, as she knows it is all justified. They can show themselves their ugly parts. Even more than with Leliana, Kallian and Morrigan really consider each other as sisters. They act like it too. There was the betrayal, the old god baby, then the many years apart. Morrigan didn't want Kallian to die, and Kallian was fucking furious she was denied that choice. But they love each other. Not the closest, but a deep understanding and acceptance of who they are. (I also have many thoughts about the comparison between Andraste's journey and Kallian's journey, mixed with the Mythal lore, so in the end it makes so much sense like this.)

Zevran is the 2nd closest I think ; they don't always understand each other, but they try. Their pov complete each other, and as they are so closed off at first (Zevran talks more about him, but that does not mean we know him quickly) they became capable of decrypting each other's reactions a lot. For a time, it was natural to think they would become lovers after DA:O, but I was mistaken lol. If they were effectively intimate, they are more confortable as platonic friends. Both of them had unrealistic understanding of what is romantic love, and honestly I loved so much how they became even closer when they stopped to try.

When Kali learnt she was pregnant, she wanted the help and advices of Leliana, who was too busy with her new responsibilities with the (future at this point) Divine. Zevran came to help her flee discreetly. They became closer on the road, then even more when he helped raise her child Tahlen :) He was the best dad to him, and they are still very good friends even after the events of DA:V.

The closest friends she has, and for the longest time (almost 20 years !!), are however Nathaniel and Anders. Justice counts too. (They love to discuss art and meaning of life. Justice loves the two Tabris so much it hurts). The trio is a wild dynamic to me ; they each exacerbate and contain something in the two others, making this work so well. I can't even think of them as separated relationships because their dual dynamics will always have an impact on the other dual dynamics ! They give each other so much joy.

Kallian and Anders share the same drive for justice ; she understood what he did to the Chantry but argued with him because he took unnecessary risks, didn't ask for help and was basically setting up his own murder to be a martyr. She almost beat him for that, but ultimately remembered she wanted to do the exact same thing with the Archdemon. (Also she thought the rebellion could have been handled better, especially in involving the mages but that's another story.) He helped her with Tahlen too, as the boy is A MAGE like his paternal grandmother. Long story short, they are depressed and chaos buddies. Love to drink, to chat, to mock each other, and Anders is always here to care for her wounds, as Kali's always here to make him touch grass when he loses his shit.

Nate is his second in Command, but also her most trusted friend. Probably the trusted friend. He's mentally stable caring. Snarky. Patient with her outbursts. They party less hard, but when Anders is near, it always end in a cuddle pile (and wasted). At the same time, she's pragmatic when he's anxious and a great listener when he's questioning himself. They can talk endlessly. Idk how to say ; that's just Kali and Nate, they don't say anything sometimes, look at each other and just smile. They know exactly what the other would say. It's so hard to define, because what they feel and how they live is so intertwined, even more than with Anders. Probably because their bond is so much more quiet and tranquil.

Now that I think of it, her closest friends are those who are able to make her love living ; they share their hobbies with her, in the hope she finds something that appeals to her. Chess, books, archery, etc.

DA:V spoilers below !

From DA:V, it is surely Harding !! They spent so much time together with Varric. Kallian loves them dearly.

Harding is the first to know about her nightmares, they share trivia about plants, they talk about daily things. It's always down to earth and mundane topics, but as Harding is very honest about her feelings, Kallian feel like it's safe to share hers too. And that, you know, is a gigantic step for our repressed lady Tabris-Rook lmao. In the same time, Kallian will try to appease Harding's anxiety and be solid for her friend. She doesn't die in my canon because Davrin is the one Kallian would chose at Tearstone Island...😬 (He survives too, I can't do that to Kallian she would stay in the Fade Prison FOREVER and I would cry endlessly lmao-)

Second one is probably Bellara. We could think that Kallian have some difficulty dealing with her energy, but she's trained with Tahlen (who has probably ADHD and is fascinated by absolutely everything that can explode). She's so dear to her and Kallian loves to just... hear her think.

But honestly, she has such a unique relationship with every companion. With Neve, they are so alike but i don't even know how to put words on all of this.

With Taash, the storyline with their mother makes her think a lot about her own failing as a mother ; and seeing Shatann die was triggering something bad in her (Tabris' mother was canonically killed by humans). In return, when Kallian was lost in the Fade Prison, Taash faced Kallian's own son. I love how it circles so perfectly. Also. They would make such great gym bros lmao. Besties with muscle.

Anyway. She loves a lot her crew from DA:V. I could develop on that on a second post if you want, but this one is already long enough !!

Thanks for asking (and reading my rambling ❤) !! It made me think a lot 🥰

[dr-futbol-blog]

Sanctuary, Pt. 10

McKay and Weir are with Beckett in the lab where he explains to them how very strange it is that Chaya is physically in such perfect health, impossibly so.

But first, look at McKay's face when Beckett mentions cancer:

His mother definitely died of cancer.

McKay is also not happy that, according to Beckett, she's perfect:

Because how do you compete with perfect? How do you compete with perfect when you genuinely believe that you're the most unlovable person in two galaxies? His only hope was demonstrating that she was somehow even worse.

His reaction to the mention of STDs is also curious:

There are two things I know for certain. The mention of sexually transmitted diseases made him think about sex, as is only natural. And there is only one aspect about her sex life that might even remotely interest him. Like, it's good that she doesn't have STDs, all things considered. He wouldn't want the Major catching anything. Also, as someone that had reached his sexual maturity during the 1980s, being reminded of STDs might have given him pause regardless of orientation but especially so if it was during the crisis years that he discovered his interest in guys.

But what ever the reason, it did make him think about them having sex and that thought is painful to him. Why would he care even a little bit unless it was something he wanted for himself? He's not envious that he has found someone, that they could have a connection. He didn't care about Beckett and Perna getting close. It's not general, it's specific to Sheppard.

But as much as he's suppressing that completely normal and heterosexual thought, he's still right on the money about her:

McKay: But she is human? Beckett: Oh, without a doubt. Weir: So how is that possible?

He doubts that she is human. Then Beckett makes a point that is significant toward the resolution of the episode later:

McKay: You make it sound like some sort of a— Beckett: Paradise? Aye, because it is. Weir: And that's a problem because? Beckett: Because human life, quite simply, Dr. Weir, is more fragile than that. I don't care what galaxy we're in. It's unnatural.

Human life is beautiful because it is fragile and transitory. Their shared humanity was what Sheppard had been using to get her to see things their way. But she is not human. She's a whole different species.

It seems like McKay and Weir are starting to get worried for Sheppard. And the music tells the audience they should be worried for him, as well.

If we witnessed Sheppard starting to lead Chaya on at Proculus, she now appears to be leading him on quite expertly. She is basically allowing him to walk her around her old home while using him to learn everything they know about the Ancients and their war with the wraith. He even explicitly makes reference to now (unlike previously) being truthful with her: "I'd be lying if I said we controlled it all".

From the look on her face as he gets Sheppard talking about the shield, she was there during the siege. There are painful things in her past, as well. In this, too, they are alike.

Something odd happens when they enter the control room. First, Sheppard tells her to call him John. Tells her he would prefer it. Not please, call me John. I would be happy if you called me John. He says "I would prefer it" as though he's saying that he would prefer that she not call him Major. Like he insists but not in the usual coquettish way.

I discussed the reasons why McKay calls Sheppard Major and continues doing it for a very long time in connection with The Defiant One (S01E12) but I will make a note of it here that twice, when Sheppard has told people to call him John, he has ended up kissing them (cf. Conversion, S02E08). And that in the first episode in which McKay finally calls him John, it follows from Sheppard himself referring to making out as a way to stop McKay from talking. So I'm just saying. There's a pattern.

But it's not altogether certain that this is what Sheppard actually wants here, her calling him John. That he's actually inviting her for closer acquaintance by the gesture. Because it's followed by this exchange:

Chaya: John… how did you make enemies of the Wraith? Sheppard: That was my fault. Chaya: Yours? Sheppard: I basically woke them up trying to rescue some people they'd captured. They didn't take too kindly to that.

He looks real fucking odd when he's telling her all this. We saw previously that he let Teyla do the explanation related to the wraith while he seemed all kinds of uneasy back on Proculus. This is a thing that is not easy for him. He is carrying such guilt for letting this happen, putting "untold thousands, maybe millions" of people's lives in danger, that it's crushing him at the best of times. And here, he's discussing it breezily, like it's no big deal. He makes odd faces like he can't believe this shit is actually coming out of his mouth, especially in this nonchalant tone.

So, placing a hand over the heart can signify sincerity, to be sure. But he's not being sincere here, he's basically being mind-controlled. Having the hand over his heart can also be a way of subconsciously protecting it from her. It's possible that he tells her to call him John because he doesn't want her calling him Major.

Not because it's so formal and keeps them at a distance. But because she is invading his privacy, his innermost thoughts and beliefs, in a way that leaves him exposed and there are things he doesn't want to share with her. Things that he has only started to want to share with someone else that isn't her. He would rather she call him something else. In addition to being a common designation for a trick for the turning, John is actually also the most impersonal of all of the things you can call him. Because it's not him telling her these things. He would never.

The one time we see him turn his body toward her while walking, which he frequently does with McKay, he covers his heart. He sets up a barrier between them. Even here, as they come to a stop, his head indicates that he would rather not be facing her.

She continues prodding:

Chaya: But you saved your people? Sheppard: Most of them.

Again, he says this casually. Like it's not a big deal. The thing that he tells Col. Everett not a night goes by that he doesn't think about it, he just brushes over it. This is not John Sheppard. This is not Sheppard acting casual, not Sheppard pretending everything is fine, not Sheppard putting on a charming persona to game someone. He's clearly not driving this baby. He's not in control.

It's not that he trusts her so much for no reason. It's not because they have some special connection that makes him want to open himself up for her. The faces he keeps making after each one of these comments tells us that he does not want to be saying these things. Even he doesn't know why he's saying these things.

Orlin told Carter that reading someone's mind was an invasion of privacy. This is technically not that. But she's far from innocent. Maybe the Others imprisoned her for a reason. We're asked to sympathize with her due to her loneliness but she is a convict, a prisoner on her planet. Perhaps she was jailed for a reason.

Sheppard leads her through the control room, showing her each and every one of their systems. Note that he doesn't introduce them by saying something like "And these are..." or "And here you can see..." He just lists them out for her.

Sheppard: Main control console, environmental support systems, communications. And this…this is… Grodin: Sorry, Major. We haven't the faintest idea what it—

We are again shown that McKay was right. Earlier on, they had this exchange:

McKay: Maybe I should tag along, in case you have any questions—Sheppard: I think I've got it handled, Rodney. McKay: There are a lot of systems you know absolutely— Sheppard: Got it covered.

He predicted that Sheppard would come across systems he knows nothing about and there would be questions related to them. But the thing is, Sheppard had never intended for this to happen. He dismissed McKay because he was never going to show her any systems, let alone their most central, essential systems. He is the head of security of this operation, he is not stupid but a brilliant tactician and a strategic thinker. She's not the chief inspector of Atlantis, he has no reason to want to show her these things.

She initializes a new piece of Ancient technology only recently discovered. She plays innocent but clearly does it on purpose. But at the same time, we are shown again that her touch has a tangible effect on things. Her touch basically has magical qualities. Her touch made the machine come alive, made it brighter. Her effect on people is something similar.

Grodin sure seems to clock something about their interaction as odd:

Sheppard seems excited about the possibility that she too possesses the ATA gene, and this seems like the first genuine reaction from him ever since she touched him. He had been emphasizing their similarity in an attempt to use her sympathy to get their help, so he may have seen this is as something that might work in their favour.

He seems entirely himself as he tells her: "The Atlantians were good at lots of things, but writing instruction manuals wasn't one of them." He seems happy, he almost smiles, glancing at Grodin fiddling with the machine twice as he does. One might venture a guess that he has watched someone figure out how Ancient technology works up real close more than a little, and might even be quoting said person verbatim here (as a matter of fact, his exact words in Hide and Seek (S01E03) were "Oh, yeah, there were some explicit instructions, which I chose to completely ignore"). He's mostly looking at Grodin while he's telling her this so we can assume that he's thinking about something or someone else. His mind is not on her while he talks about the instruction manuals.

But this is a short respite. The weirdness continues:

Sheppard: We should probably wrap this tour up. I know Dr. Weir is anxious to talk to you. Chaya: Will I see you afterwards? Sheppard: And during!

He almost stutters when he tells her that Dr. Weir is anxious to talk to her. Clearly, she's not the only one that's anxious. But why would he be anxious about that?

Is he expecting Weir to notice that something is wrong? Hoping that she would? Trying to protect someone that might be there?

Whether or not he (or McKay) was supposed to be at this meeting of Weir with Chaya, whether he had been invited or not, Sheppard is making sure that he is going to be there. Again, this might be her influence--she does not want him to leave her alone, so he's forced to tag along. Or, again, he could be inserting himself into the meeting in order to protect the others, whether consciously or subconsciously. But it certainly doesn't seem like he's going to the meeting with her because he wants to be with her so much.

He is clearly starting to internally freak out about what ever this is that's going on. His face here, at the very end:

He gives her another one of his fake smiles. And then, where she doesn't see, he draws in a breath through his teeth. Compare his expression with McKay's at the beginning of this entry, where he's thinking about cancer.

John Sheppard is not alright.

Continued in Pt. 11

[alatismeni-theitsa]

Aunty,

I recently came across a book called Wrath Goddess Sing and while I have nothing against the original premise (showing Achilles as a trans woman) despite how that would not really have worked in those times, it's actually so weird how the author decided to magically turn Achilles into a "real woman" whose beliefs around womanhood center on the ability to give birth and be a mother, which is just insane if you consider that the author is also trans (by making Achilles a bio woman, she's literally erasing what the premise was about and then claiming that it happened either because the Gods knew she wanted it *so much* or because she wanted it "enough" to make it happen which invalidates all other trans folks in the story because they suddenly don't want it "enough"). Apart from that, there are constant homophobic, transphobic and incredibly racist remarks throuought the book which is why it's so weird to see it praised by so many.

Also, the author used the term "kallai" to refer to trans people in Skyros and now some fans of hers are using it to speak of themselves, despite it being plural and despite it not making sense in the way they're using it. F.e. "I'm a kallai/good morning Kallai", which is just peak US centrism (and like the author literally claimed that the female version of "Achilles" was "Achileas" - why don't they do research?).

What I often explain to foreigners when they throw tantrums about people (often Greeks 😄) telling them something is wrong, is that we are not unreasonable. I think most Greeks would just go "hm!" at the thought of someone exploring the thought of a trans Achilles, and we would all realize the problem with this book would actually be the historical/language/societal inaccuracies. Like the cringe I feel when I read the "I'm a kallai/good morning Kallai".

As far the female version of the Achilleas go, we know this to be Achillea ("Αχίλλεια" ), not Achilleas. The author perhaps found a woman named Achilleas ("Αχιλλειάς" / "Αχιλλειάδα"; ) somewhere? But I haven't read or seen that name in any Greek text. Grammatically it also feels "off" to me, (having been exposed to enough ancient Greek grammar) but if someone has found it, pls tell us.

For the lack of research... I don't care how progressive you say are. If you are not doing any research on the culture and language of the people you're writing and you're still making a profit, and no one in the industry cares to check you, that's a form of privilege and you're engaging in harmful - and very much not progressive - behaviors.

And because I had a few discussions with other Greeks and non-Greeks on this let me share something here.

A reaction from Greeks and other people would also be "but Achilles was not trans...?" and yes, that's a normal reaction and it's not linked to American conservatism, sorry to burst the US neoliberal bubble.

While the author has the right to write what she wants, it's still a fact that we don't have any evidence of Achilles being anything but cis. If anything he was the most macho male man out there according to Greek standards and very much happy with his predicament. And when this figure is popular and, well, your ethnic hero, you just want to ask about that. Not in a "I don't want this book to exist" way but you want to ask why did it have to be Achilles, and why a historically cis person.

I'm not saying all this to imply that the author shouldn't write this. Anyone can write whatever they want, and I don't think exploring this scenario is harmful to anyone. But it's fair to assume the author went "I want a trans Achilles no matter what!" And because the ends clearly justified the means here, the character of Achilles and all the themes of the initial story were thrown out the window - which is also not the best thing to do when writing well-known figures and stories from other cultures.

Sure, the premise of "what if Achilles liked being a woman?" is an interesting idea and, if written well, I would read it. However when a writer does all the above it's clear to most people that they just make a far-fetched play-pretend out of myths that cannot be changed - bc they are already written and we preserve them for the last 2.000 years.

Then, you have the... odd (for lack of a better word) tropes. For this specific trans writer the tropes worked and good for her. At the same time I can see why other trans women might have an issue with the transformation into a "real woman". From what I hear, there are trans women who'd like this transformation and others who don't find it validating. And ofc there's always the issue of why Achilles got her wish and what the other trans women did "wrong" to not get it.

With all the paragraphs above I also want to raise an extra issue. Why take a completely cis person and make them trans, instead of writing the story of a historically trans person or creating a new trans character? (if history doesn't have any) Relying on an established cis figure for trans representation can be a bit icky.

"Apart from that, there are constant homophobic, transphobic and incredibly racist remarks throuought the book which is why it's so weird to see it praised by so many." That's also unfortunate 😩 I won't read the book but if you have passages and stuff to demonstrate this point, let me know

[primeministerofantarctica]

A3! reading club: act one (chapter 1-6)

(cw: talking about parental neglect and abuse, orientalism, one mention of suicide)

Hey, ten out of twelve isn't bad, all things considered! This very well could have gone down in October. Also, since it's February (March if you wanna be generous), does that mean everyone in Harugumi's slightly younger than their Year One ages now? Ack, timelines are confusing.

Izumi casually talking about how Yukio neglected her and following it up with "well, it was probably because he loved this theater so much!" is. Oh, girl. No wonder she snapped when Sakyo suggested he'd abandoned Mankai, because if he hadn't loved it, then why did she have to go through with that?

I'm not versed enough in Japanese particles but I recognize "daijoubu" and Tsuzuru watching this trainwreck unfold and saying something along the lines of "are you guys, like, okay?" is extremely funny.

Then we get to Sakuya and Masumi's family situations, which. From a meta perspective, it makes sense to want to give your minor protagonists the freedom that having parents limits. That's why the trope of "young protagonist in kid's spec fic media is conveniently an orphan" is so common. (was? I think it's becoming less common now.) The problem lies in the lack of willingness to follow through with the emotional conflict it creates, or resolve said conflict in a satisfying manner. Sure, I'm assuming they weren't starved or physically abused, but being treated like a burden when you're a child is still fucking traumatizing! Basically I think Izumi Sakuya and Masumi should start a union. And I'm glad later chapters go the reasonably more toned-down route of "my parents have a reasonable amount of trust in me to make these kinds of decisions".

Also, can we talk about Sakuya and Masumi, because they're one of my favorite brotps here. The way Sakuya appoints himself as Masumi's surrogate big brother? He's so eager to potentially share a room with him ;-;. (personally I hc that Ms. Sakuma was expecting another child before the accident or whatever killed them, so Sakuya's been a big brother without a younger sibling all this time </3)

Wow, that doesn't sound like a metaphor for anything! You're right, Izumi, why would you go the easy route of taking something prepackaged and guaranteed when a bunch of wildly different spices can create a delicious meal if you know how to utilize them right?

Am I grasping at straws here. Probably.

The little ka-ching sound effect is adorable.

Tsuzuru, I'd think "antagonist" should be near the top of the list...also, there's plenty of plays that have been pulled off with two or three actors. Just put on "night, Mother" or something. (Joking. Don't look up night, Mother if you're sensitive to themes of suicide.)

"Tsuzuru, you picked this troupe because it had a dorm, right? ...Then maybe our best bet is to focus on more people in your shoes."

"People in my shoes? In other words...."

"The homeless?"

I CAN'T ASJHGSKSDSK

he's literally doing the 😔 face i'm on the floor.

HE'S HERE! Funny how Izumi's right about Citron not being a regular tourist right off the bat. He may not be from another troupe, but he's definitely "in character" right now.

Also, oof. Citron's my second fave in Harugumi after Sakuya, but it's glaringly obvious how much of his character is rooted in orientalism. Sure, maybe it's an act, but why is he talking about how "shameful" showing skin is when his top is (conveniently for us) THAT low-cut.

On another note, I know people have pointed out his distaste for pig's feet as evidence for headcanoning him as Muslim, but I haven't seen anyone point out how he calls Veludo Way a "mecca" of theatre. Like yeah, mecca can just mean hub, but...why didn't they just say hub? Words Have Connotations. I'm not saying this coding is good or bad, it's just a neutral observation.

AND HERE'S THIS BASTARD (affectionate)

Oh, Kasumi! (insert pointing reaction pic bc I've run out of photo space.) It's Kasumi, guys! :D

[ninehouses-if]

Hi! I loved you demo, the story sound very interesting! If you don't mind, I have a few a lot questions:

1 So the dad rules the sixth house or supervises all of them?

2 Now that the brother became the scion he is the one to "rule" the sixth house right?

3 The fact that dad chose the brother instead of MC wouldn't create a diplomatic issue with S's family (since he engaged their middle child to their oldest one on the premise that MC would become heir)? Especially since he publically reconized MC work and accomplishments, and then chose the older brother, giving the idea that this was all planned.

4 Since MC can help, "sabotage", or plainly washing their hands off, of their brother scion-situation does it means that the scion position can be "regained" by MC?

5 Would that be possible in a "legal" way and not as a "coup"?

6 Will we know more about the reasons of dad's decision? I get he is the one to make the decisions, but the way he did, was really shitty.

7 Did he espected MC to go along with it without complain? Did he contemplate that he could have destroyed his own family, and create a succession war, with his decision? A part from the political implications he sure isn't winning as father of the year. At least he could have told MC and brother about it, unless he didn't trust MC, and he wanted to put MC into a corner making them powerless, so to not undermine the brother-scion position.

8 I suppose it's spoiler-y but I'll try anyway 🤣 did he consider the possible advantage he was giving to the collateral family into challenging the line of succession?

9 Will we learn more about brother curse?

10 MC's mom is a character that we will see? All the sibling have the same mother?

11 if it's not a spoiler can you tell us a bit about the little sistes and the stepmom?

12 Does the brother know how/is able, to do the scion's duty that MC performed until now?

13 Now MC will have to take up the duties performed until now from the brother (or other duties, even only be married off, to another influential family), or they can say fu*k dad, I'm going to be a princex and do nothing but laze around (do what they want unreleated to the royal duties like the younger sister)? 🤣

14 does the dad expect that S now will marry the brother? Wouldn't the fact that MC and S liked/loved each other (I know it's not the case at the moment, but dad dosen't know that) matter to dad, or better it's irrelevant respect of the allyency between S's family and the Scion, so between S and brother?Do S's family expect the same?

15 do the people know about brother's curse? If not, would that be dangerous if made public?

Sorry for the many questions, a lot I'm sure are a spoiler at least partially, but your story got me so hooked that I couldn't resist asking! Feel free to ignore everything you don't feel like answering, I will be happy with anything you want to share! ❤️

I’m so glad you are hooked! There is no need to apologize for asking many questions. I loved getting them. ❤️ I will answer what I consider not to be spoiler-y

1. The dad rules only the Sixth House. Each house has its own ruler who reports to the Royal House.

2. Yes, the person who is given the scion title will eventually rule the Sixth House.

3. S's family reactions are Spoiler-y. This will be discussed further in the upcoming chapters.

4. As MC mentioned when talking to Milan after the fact they are still in the line of succession. They weren’t kicked out so theoretically they could try to "regain" the Scion title.

5. Yes, the "regaining" could be done legally. It wouldn’t be an option you can take. The story will focus on how you handle/react when life goes in a way you never expected. You can’t go back to the way things were.

6. Yes, the reason why the dad did what he did will be coming up in Chapter One.

7. Everyone agrees that what the dad did is shitty, or at the very least the way he did it was. All members of any of the House Families are expected to present a united front. Behind closed doors might be a different story but to the public everything must be seen as going just right. “Saving Face” is a big thing. For those reasons, Dad expected MC, and the rest of his family, to go along with it.

8. I’m not sure what collateral family you mean? Milan’s family? If so, no. MC’s brother is a perfectly acceptable Scion. It’s a dick move, but not enough to have the Milans challenge anything.

9. Yes, you will learn more about the brother’s curse.

10. MC’s mom is dead. MC and Elder Brother are her children. Little Sister is the child of the stepmother.

11. It’s not really spoiler-y, but you will learn more about Little Sister and Stepmother in the upcoming chapter. I will make an info post them.

12. Elder Brother knows the basics, but Dad is still around to show him the detailed ropes. You can help if that is what you want.

13. Elder Brother didn’t have many set duties. He kind of just did his own thing. Even if he had duties no one will side-eye MC too hard if they say F*ck It!  *Que Crazy Rich Asians Montage*

14. The situation with S and the engagement is Spoiler-y. It will come up.

15. Elder Brother's curse is Spoiler-y. It will come up.

Thanks for being so invested. It makes me happy to know people are enjoying the story. ❤️

[swashbucklcr]

How are Finns relationship with the other Origins? Any thoughts to share? Bonus if you add thoughts of Originals you follow (Please don't add Ceres in there I really just see what kind of person he is; how he interacts with other Originals and how he thinks of others! + Spread some love)

@astralrogue

Oh I love this question Lumi!! This has taken me quite a think so this is what I have so far, as Finn is still a character in development!

I went on a rant... it's very long sorry.

Gale

When Finn first meets Gale, his immediate reaction is to roll his eyes. To him, wizards are weak, easily distracted, feeble beings, good only for looting. It probably doesn't help that during their first meeting, Osian, who is losing his mind over the wizard of Waterdeep, is by his side.

In fact, Finn doesn't trust Gale at all; he considers him a fraud. Why does a great wizard with his own pompous title get himself stuck in a portal? Not so great, eh? He even draws a weapon on Gale and has to be talked down by him and Osian. Thankfully, their shared desire to avoid ceremorphosis makes this relatively easy.

Yet, as they travel together, while Finn finds Gale's constant chatter grating, he appreciates the wizard's kindness and his lack of shame in being himself around others. Finn respects that about him above all else. When Gale admits to his condition with the orb, Finn is hesitant to help, thinking it's just another wizard lusting for power. But when he sees Gale crippled with pain, he pilfers a ring with a low-level spell to help. Seeing Gale's gratitude and how the magic actually helps him, Finn decides that since Gale is part of the crew, it's only right to ensure he is at his healthiest—for his and everyone else's sake. They need to be a well-oiled team to survive.

Karlach

It was platonic love at first sight. He saw Karlach on the bank of the stream and nearly shoved Wyll into the river for daring to harm her. He instantly saw a wounded warrior, not a devil. Her ability to cut straight to the point, lack of bullshit, and thirst to kill some devils made Finn adore her instantly. Without hesitation, he asks if she wishes to join their chaotic group and is happy to kill a few devils with her (after picking their pockets of loot).

He loves spending evenings with her by the fire or by either of their tents, cracking jokes and making crude remarks to make each other laugh. She's been a mate to him ever since.

Astarion

Finn's background is also as a rogue, but he took the pirate route. He leans into the fighting and sneaking aspects more than anything else. Because of this, he sees Astarion as a bit weak and isn't a fan of his sly words. He prefers bluntness but respects Astarion's skills as a thief, quietly observing the other to learn new lockpicking tricks.

As for the vampire aspect, he doesn't care a lick, as long as Astarion doesn't hurt anyone in the camp. If he catches him manipulating anyone in their team for a bite, he will punch him—be warned, Astarion.

As he learns more about Astarion's past from the snippets given to him, he is more than happy to help Astarion drive a stake into Cazador. Finn may be a pirate, but he has always drawn a line at slavery, likely influenced by his mother's upbringing in Waterdeep.

Halsin

Halsin reminds Finn of a mentor he had back on the Dúncannon, Jon. Jon was a half-wood elf chef who was certainly quite large for an elf too. Jon was patient and kind to Finn, giving him an outlet on tough days while he developed through his teens on a pirate ship. From that association alone, he's quite fond of Halsin but can certainly note all the differences between the pair.

He freed Halsin, not knowing it was him as a bear, just to create some chaos that he could take advantage of and pick off goblins from above.

Sometimes he seeks Halsin for counsel, even if he doesn't always agree with the archdruid's advice. He still appreciates the calm and gentle approach from him every single time, no matter how gruff Finn may be in his approach.

When Finn discovers Halsin's love of whittling, he steals tools for Halsin and leaves them outside his tent without a word. Having no idea how to whittle himself, he might not always grab the right tools.

Shadowheart

It takes Finn a while to properly warm up to Shadowheart. Her closed nature and prickly demeanor remind him of a few of his old shipmates. Since they're both initially closed people using their gruff and sharp attitudes to hide any vulnerabilities, it's hard for him to initially connect.

As for the Sharran aspect, he couldn't care less. He worships an evil goddess, Umberlee, so he knows he is in no position to judge.

He'll support her to an extent, but if she makes any remarks or decisions that will negatively impact the group, he will step in and give her a verbal shakedown. He does enjoy the odd bottle of wine and listening to gossip with her, although he refuses to partake in speaking any of the gossip himself.

Lae'zel

He's highly impressed with her, although he finds her devotion to Vlaakith a bit ridiculous. From the get-go, he believes she's strong enough to not need the grace of a rather demanding goddess. He finds Githyanki culture similarly ruthless to his pirate life, and as he starts to find himself over time, he's genuinely glad to see her do the same.

Knowing his sword skills need polishing, he'd gladly practice sparring with her to improve the fighter aspect of his class, even if she often kicks his ass.

Wyll

Finn isn't a fan of Wyll initially. He views Wyll as one of the do-gooders that he would have fought on occasion out at sea. Someone who believed they could rein in the budding pirate empire and stop the raids with just their sword and powers. He sees Wyll as he saw many of the other lads he and his crewmates cut down over the years.

Yet, Finn is aware of his situation enough to have Wyll around (more so at Osian's request). His distaste for Wyll only grew when he saw the warlock try to attack Karlach, seeing the man as a self-righteous prick. However, when Wyll admits his mistakes, Finn eases off on his dislike. It takes Finn a long while to grow somewhat fond of Wyll. Their lives were so different, and their views on life never aligned, but with time, he'll accept Wyll as a companion, though maybe not a friend.

Jaheria

One look and Finn knows if he and Jaheria met under different circumstances, he'd be fucked. He thinks she's great; she's pragmatic and, although a hero, doesn't boast about it and provides a healthy dose of realism. He grows fond of her banter in camp chats and is interested in the stories of her past.

Minsc

Minsc is an idiot, and Finn loves to mess with him. He is glad that the ranger, who is a wall of muscle, is on their side.

Minthara

It would take some convincing for Finn to just knock out Minthara rather than kill her, but seeing her in Moonrise Towers, he's glad for that decision. Finn has done some terrible things in his life, but generally, they were his own choices. To be forced to do such things against one's will is terrible, and he would certainly work to free her from the tadpole too.

He may not love her company, but he's glad for her spirit to fight. They both share a hatred for their situation, which is enough for him.

[mbti-notes]

hi mbti, entj with an exfj mother. whenever we get into arguments, she responds by yelling at me and blaming me and admittedly i respond by yelling back at her. she has been like this for the entirety of my life and when i try to communicate with her calmly after an argument she just ignores me. i want to have a better grasp on how to control my reactions during arguments as it takes a lot out of me to try and reason with her or even get an insight into other solutions i haven't considered. thank you

Why are you interested in personality type? Many people are merely in it for ego validation. Some people are looking to improve their relationships with different types. IMO, if you want to get something truly valuable out of type theory, you have to enter into the learning process with a clear intention to develop a deeper understanding of humans, to gain the kind of wisdom that helps you become more empathetic and compassionate toward yourself and others. In other words, do you genuinely want to understand your relationship with your mom and connect with her better, or do you just want a quick-fix to end the conflict and get her off your back?

When you seek to resolve a conflict for mostly egotistical reasons, you won't get very far, because it's easy for the other person to detect that you care more about your own comfort than their well-being. To resolve a conflict properly, you must approach it primarily from a place of care and love. If you aren't able to do that, you're signalling to the other person that you're not relationship-ready, so they won't have much motivation to meet you halfway, hence, the reluctance to engage with you. Why waste energy on a discussion that will go nowhere? Why waste energy trying to explain something when the other person doesn't seem to have the desire/capacity to understand? I'm not accusing you of anything or judging who's right or wrong. I'm simply making sure that you are aware of your intentions because they matter a great deal in conflict resolution.

It is indeed important to keep yourself in check when things get too heated, but that's really only the first of many steps. At most, it keeps communication going, but it doesn't constitute a full-fledged solution to the conflict. You haven't described or provided any representative examples of the sorts of things you argue about, which makes it very difficult for me to know what exactly lies at the root of the conflict. And perhaps that is the problem: You're not grasping what lies at the root of the conflict, so your ideas about how to solve it keep dancing around the problem at best. Dancing around means you have no clear direction or no clue about what the finishing move should be. What is your long term vision for this relationship?

In terms of ENTJ development, dancing around is likely related to underdeveloped Ni: your way of thinking is too short-sighted and superficial, so you're unable to grasp what's really happening beneath appearances, let alone set a long term vision to strive for. In the context of relationships, the superficiality of underdeveloped Ni is also linked to underdeveloped Fi: you are unable to recognize and address the underlying feelings and emotional needs in play, so you end up band-aiding the conflict only to have it recur in the future.

Every personality type has its fair share of challenges, difficulties, and weaknesses. If you don't understand what they are in your own type, you won't make much progress in personal growth. If you don't understand what they are in someone else's type, you won't be able to "speak their language" or frame ideas in a way that makes sense to them. Recurring relationship problems usually require a two-pronged solution of personal growth as well as growing your understanding of others. Developing Ni+Fi should help you with both.

The most obvious difference between you and your mother is T and F. By definition, feelings and emotions matter a lot to Fs and how they make decisions. Healthy Fe doms don't anger easily because they: don't like the stress of extreme emotions; are usually willing to give people the benefit of the doubt; prefer to see the good in people; hope for kinder ways of resolving conflicts. There are really only a few things that anger Fe doms, mostly involving:

lack of care shown to the things that are very important to them

ignoring/dismissing people's needs and feelings

taking them and their thoughtfulness for granted

violation of their personal rules/boundaries

antisocial/immoral behavior that causes harm or suffering

Have you done any of the above? If so, have you admitted the mistake, provided a humble and honest explanation for it, sincerely apologized, and made a promise to do better? That is often all it takes to get back in the good graces of FJs, but you'd be surprised at how often people simply can't or won't take the first step toward reconciliation.

It takes two to tango. When the lines of communication have broken down, it's sometimes necessary to step up and be the bigger person and apologize first, in order to encourage the other person to respond in kind. It's not about who is at fault or who is to blame or who started it (i.e. pettiness). It's really about acknowledging that feelings have been hurt and needs have been neglected, and then making a gesture toward repair. In essence, it's about ending all aggression and, instead, opening up opportunities to show love.

To be clear, this is not about rolling over, placating, or appeasing. You also need to address why you feel in conflict, why you feel upset. You wouldn't be getting into arguments without feeling strongly about something or other. Oftentimes, ENTJs are unable to speak about feelings and emotions directly because they fear being vulnerable and/or simply don't have that level of self-awareness. But vulnerability is precisely the gesture that is needed for the other person to feel more confident about reconciliation.

Vulnerability shows that you are finally ready and willing to get real, to discuss the very heart of the matter. Speaking honestly and authentically about feelings is quite difficult for most people, usually due to ego reasons, but it is necessary for building more meaningful and fulfilling relationships. Until two people can feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with each other - to approach with zero intention to judge, shame, blame, accuse, or attack - they won't be able to resolve relationship problems once and for all.

Of course, one big reason people fear vulnerability is because it leaves them open to being manipulated, exploited, or attacked. You can't control other people, so trusting them always carries some risk. Give people a few chances to return your vulnerability in graduated steps, but if they can't reciprocate or they use it against you, it means they are not relationship-ready. At that point, feel proud that you were brave and put out your best effort, but acknowledge that the relationship has hit a hard ceiling for reasons beyond your control.

If you have a tendency to nitpick or debate the details of who's right and who's wrong in an argument, you're basically trying to establish dominance and doing the opposite of being vulnerable. And chances are, you're ignoring what matters most, which is healing the injury that was caused by the conflict. It could be injury to a person or to the relationship as a whole. In the midst of heated conflict, it's easy for feelings to get trampled, boundaries to get violated, trust to get betrayed, and painful memories to get dredged up. One reason people avoid conflict is because it's difficult to get past the injuries.

When someone's leg is injured, you don't tell them to get over it and keep walking only to make it worse, rather, you get them off their feet, reduce their pain, and then gently repair what was fractured or broken. Feelings and emotions are real. Emotional pain often registers in similar brain areas as physical pain. It requires time, sensitivity, the right kind of comforting, and a focus on fulfilling unmet needs to heal emotional pain. When you don't allow time and opportunity to heal emotional injury, you're basically leaving people to writhe in pain alone, so don't be surprised when they have zero mental capacity for anything else. Have you ever tried to reason through a difficult problem while experiencing intense pain?

One of the great things and also one of the most difficult things about being F dominant is that feelings and emotions always loom larger than other types. Are you able to understand and accept this reality about them? Fe doms deeply value loving relationships and are thus easily pained by unloving behavior. Fe doms generally find it difficult to bring up their own negative feelings/emotions because they don't want to cause a disturbance or be a burden. As a result, they might get into the habit of suppressing how they really feel, which might lead them to also develop a habit of exploding any time they are unable to suppress any longer. And once feelings get too big, they'll find it difficult to articulate what's really happening inside, due to inferior Ti.

The remedy is to provide them with a safe, nonjudgmental, and compassionate space to speak freely at all times. But this means you have to be prepared to hear things that you don't want to hear and/or things that don't make sense to you (and require tactful clarification). To get better at girding yourself, you have to deploy Ni+Fi to step back and see the bigger picture (i.e. don't take it personally), and to look beyond the surface content of their words and understand what they really mean, with regard to:

what exactly is causing them to feel bad

what you've contributed to their negative feelings

what it is they really need or which of their needs remain unmet

what rules/boundaries were violated and require repair

what unloving/immoral behavior needs to be stopped

what unfair/unjust situation needs to be righted

Once you grasp the underlying problem, you'll have a much better chance of negotiating the right solution. A simple but effective way to improve your conflict resolution skills is to be more curious and listen more, to ensure that you are in touch with the reality of the situation, rather than operating on faulty assumptions. Family relationships are often the most challenging relationships, but learning how to navigate them effectively can set you up with the skills you need to navigate all relationships effectively throughout life.

I have already written a lot about function development, emotional intelligence, and communication skills. I've also recommended books on the resources page. There's no shortage of information. What remains unclear is how motivated you are to improve your people skills and what end goals you have for this relationship.